It's What's On the Inside that Counts
by JollySwagMan
Summary: Panty and Stocking finally got sent to Heaven. And they almost made it two months before getting kicked right back out. They were granted a new mission, become the Guardian Angels of Brief's nihilistic cousin, Boxer. The kick? He's going to fight them every step of the way. ((Obvious Mature language))
1. Chapter 1

A lone hooded figure stood in the middle of a city, rain pouring down around him. It was nighttime, but when the city sleeps, he awakes. Not a soul could be seen, but in the distance the roar of a speeding vehicle could be heard. The figure turned towards the sound, only his smile visible. Suddenly, he reached his bare hands into the pockets of his hoodie, digging deeper than what could be perceived possible. Even stranger so, when he pulled his hands back out they were encased in bright red gloves. Glasses fell from his face, snapping in half as they hit the concrete.

At that moment, the vehicle arrived. A pink hummer like vehicle skidded to a halt in front of the figure, it's occupants jumping out of it.

Two females brandished weapons at the strange figure, one wielding katanas, the other wielding a pistol.

"You son of a bitch!" One yelled.

"You fucking asshole!" The other screamed.

"Oh come on now..."The figure chuckled, his broken glasses melting into a strange liquid. "We all know that's YOUR thing."

They both gritted their teeth and rushed the man, who dodged all their attacks with unnatural speed.

The more he dodged their attacks, the angrier they got.

"O pitiful shadow lost in the darkness..."They growled as their attacks became more reckless, " O evil spirit born of those drifting between Heaven and Earth. May the thunderous power from the garments of these holy delicate maidens-"They were both interrupted by the mans fists flying into both of their stomachs at the same time. The duo stumbled back, literally turning red from rage.

With a roar, they both leaped at the man, screaming "REPENT MOTHERFUCKER!"

* * *

Daten City, a paradise with a catch. A place where all you want to achieve in life is ripe for the taking, as long as you put forth the effort. But watch yourself, because even though you think your future is set, one second is all it needs to change your life...or take it. While it seems like a gateway to heaven, hell is seeping through the cracks.

But luckily it is protected from such evils, by two holy angels unwillingly putting everything on the life to save this town. Kinda.

Alright fuck it the city's cool but it's got a bunch of ghosts N shit kay? And two of the most unholy fucking angels the world has ever seen fights the fucking ghosts so they can get back into heaven. They don't care about you, they just care about themselves!

Then they left, they fucking left the city for us all to defend for ourselves. And you know what? We were FINE.

THE GHOSTS DIDN'T WANT TO FUCK SHIT UP ANYWAYS

but it's okay

BECAUSE THE ANGELS GOT KICKED OUT AGAIN.

Like how the literal FUCK, do you fuck up that bad? Why do they keep letting them back in? Why aren't they learning from their mistakes? AND WHY PUNISH ME?!

Okay okay...I gotta explain some shit...let me start over.

Hi audience! My names Boxer. Boxer Rock. And apparently, I'm the ticket for two shitty fucking angels to get back into heaven.

Why, you ask?

Can I explain first?

Shit.

Fuckin asshole.

It all started when I was walking home from school one day...

* * *

The day was like any other. Wake up, get dressed, go to school. I don't have too many friends, mainly because for some strange reason they think I'm an asshole. And a bad influence. I think it's because I'm eighteen and I drink, or something about being a pessimist but I have no idea what they're talking about. I just realize life's shitty man. Like it's just learn, work, die.

...Alright maybe I'm a little negative but on the bright side I always have a flask to get me going through the day. I got pretty good at hiding it on me, though at the time I thought that whatever I was drinking was going bad. Mainly because I kept seeing a strange black man out the corner of my eye. Never got a good glimpse of him, not until later at least.

It was the end of the school day, and I had just taken a huge dump. Washing my hands in the sink, I took a moment to look at myself in the mirror. Real ladies man I was. In my dreams. I rocked a dark red faux hawk, strangely enough without gel. It honestly just kinda...stays that way. I don't really question it anymore. Anyways, I wore black, thick rimmed prescription glasses. It happens when you're blind as a bat but not nearly as cool. Five o' clock shadow, usually wearing a hoodie and jeans, all the normal outcast bullshit.

The only thing that everyone can agree is strange about me though is my birthmark. Just a perfect rectangle at the base of my throat. I never really paid much attention to it, but everyone definitely thought I was weird. Especially since I've been staring at myself in the mirror for a good long time while they were waiting to use the sink.

"Hey, move it man!" I heard behind me. "My finger broke through the paper so unless you want a brown sme-"

"Eugh! Fucking gross!" I retreated from the sink, raising my eyebrow at the teen, who smirked triumphantly as if he just won a gold medal for being disgusting. God I hate people. I sighed and made my way out of the school, my hands buried in my pockets. In the distance I heard the roar of an engine.

People usually left me alone, but there's one person who annoys me to no end. My cousin, Brief. Luckily enough he's been hanging around the infamous Anarchy sisters. True to their name, they were sisters who excelled in being the worst fucking people on the planet.

Unluckily for me, I was their new target. I learned this when the pur of an engine sped right by me-with an arm suddenly grabbing me and taking me with it. I was thrown facefirst into somebodies lap while I heard Briefs stupid voice from right beside me, "HI COUSIN!"

Groaning, I raised my head from the unknown persons crotch, only to see the giant black man I mentioned earlier. He stared down at me almost hungrily, and I COULD HAVE SWORE HE SAID "...You don't even have to buy me dinner."

"Wh-what?!" Naturally I backed the hell away from him, unknowingly squishing my cousin against the car door. It took me a few moments to register the gurgles of pain were his, and I shifted over, sitting between the two. I could see two females sitting up front, one being a goth and the other looking like a stereotypical white porn actress. I sighed as I realized they were the Anarchy sisters.

"I said..."The large black man spoke directly in my ear, making me freeze immediately. God he was creeping me out! "YOU! Boxer Rock, are the key!...To getting these damned angels out of my hair!"

"Sup." I heard the goth up front say.

"Yo dick cheese." The blonde smirked.

"I'm sure you've heard of Panty and Stocking-"

"I bet the little shit watches my videos daily." Panty grinned.

"Yeah he definitely looks depraved and desperate." Stocking nodded.

"SHUT UP!" The big black man shouted at them, before turning back to me. "Listen, their new mission is to take care of YOU."

"FUCKING WHY?!" I yelled back. Not only did I not like people, but if you didn't catch the subtle hints in the prologue, I don't exactly care for these angels.

"Hey, feel privileged dickwad!" Panty glanced back at me, "Most people have to pay or get lucky to spend even five minutes with me!"

"Cmon Boxer, it'll be fun! Like an adventure!" Brief smiled warmly at me. Fuck I hated him.

"Oh what the fuck ever!"I rolled my eyes, my voice laced with venom. "Why the hell is this...Uh..."

"Garterbelt." He answered. "And THIS, is because-"

"Hold on." I reached inside my hoodie and took out a flask. Brief's eyes widened and his jaw dropped as everyone watched me down the entire flask in seconds. Feeling the burning and tolerance for stupidity building, I let out a loud burp and mumbled "...Continue."

"...BECAUSE OF SHIT LIKE THAT!" He shouted. "YOU, Boxer, are an unusual human!"

"...Cuz?" I used Brief's head as an armrest and I listened.

"You have no goals!"

...well...

"You have no life!"

...hey...

"NO AMBITIONS!"

...He's not wrong.

"But THAT'S not the weirdest part. Up there in heaven, they realized you don't act like a normal human being. Turns out there's no record for your creation."

Okay that sounds a little strange, "...Wait what?!"

"Every humans life is decided by fate. But when we questioned Fate about you, she had NO DAMN CLUE who you were! You don't even have no guardian angel!"

Okay, this sounds bad. Like I'm about to be the main character in a shitty story.

"Turns out, you ain't supposed to exist!" Shit man, just throwing the insults huh?

"...But I d-"

"SHUT UP!" He yelled at me. Then he continued speaking in a normal voice, "But you do! And it turns out that you are literally the only human with free choice! That shit means your spirit is fully flexible!"

At that moment, the car hit a bump. As I wasn't wearing a seatbelt like some fucking geekboy, I almost flew out of the car. Fortunately, Garterbelt caught me by the collar and held his face close to mine. He didn't lower his volume though. "YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO LITERALLY DO ANYTHING! AND YOU DON'T DO A GOD DAMN THING! When you DIE, your spirit is going to be unleashed!" One hand let go of me to point at the two angels, who weren't phased at all by the commotion. "These two hoes, have been tasked with guiding you to become a good soul. They will accompany you from now on! Your literal guardian angels!"

"...gimme one sec." That was a lot to digest. Thankfully I had something else to digest as I reached for another flask. Panty swerved the car and the flask flew out of my hand.

"Sorry jack off, but no more drinks."

Alright, I was done. Flipping them all the bird, I jumped out of the car.

...

...

...

Garterbelt caught me by the ankle though.

"Hell nah, you getting these bitches out of my LIFE!"


	2. Chapter 2

_I'm so sorry it's been this long everyone. I've had writers block with my stories lately but I'm trying to keep em coming. I do have a few ideas I'm trying to draft out here, so get ready for some possessions and demons and badassery._

* * *

 _"Fuck them man! They push you around and USE you!"_

"But I love h-"

"WHY?! Because she's pretty?! You would rather stand against your own family for someone who treats you like shit?!"

"...Everyone treats me like shit man..."

"...And I'm sorry. But if you make the right decision right now, and stand for something more than some petty supernatural bitches, we can make that change."

* * *

Daten City, a playground for the supernatural. Even so, it has all the cliques you would usually expect, especially the nerds and outcasts. They're usually subject to most of the torment that runs through this town, but every now and again someone rises from the bottom to say enough is enough. They usually listen to Disturbed and are super fucking white.

Like don't get me wrong I'm white too but these mother fuckers glow in the dark. I guess they're allergic to the sun. Fucking vampires...and the worst part is my cousin is part of this band of merry losers. Like Jesus, you could put these guys in a can and sell it as pussy repellent. And guess who these fucks surround every day?

No seriously guess.

...

...No

That's wrong you idiot.

They surround ME! Why... why did you even guess that? I...fuck it I don't like you either.

I'm going to add your name to the list of people I hate. It's right below "Everybody".

But you? You're so fucking special I even wrote your name out. Feel honored that you get to be grouped with the rest of the school shooters.

It pisses me off though, because they don't get it. They don't think I actually hate them, they think it's my way of cracking a joke. Like, for example, I'm making my way to class one day right? And out of the blue they fucking surround me.

"Hey Boxer!"

"Fuck off."

"Boxer wanna hang out?!"

"Sure, you're buying the rope though."

"Yo bro, wanna pwn some noobs on Duty Calls?"

"I'd much rather 360 noscope my brains out."

See, the nerds and outcasts are usually sent down below the school, in one of its dungeons. That's because they are literally so repulsive that there's an audible crackling sound from every female nearby. It's the collective pussy drying out like California. Some never recover...So the unattractibles have to go to class in these strangely molester feeling dungeons. Aptly it's named "loser class".

And these fucks got everyone believing that I'm one of them. So as such, the group and myself included got sent down below almost immediately. This is where I now belong.

But don't you worry, I got out. Check this shit out...

* * *

It was actually a few days after I met the angels. I was on my way to class when one of the Pillsbury fuckboy's came to ruin my image AND day. "Boooooxeerrr!"

Out of all the losers that tried to be my friend, Arnold was the most pitful. Bowlcut, ginger, buck teeth, and freckles. Everything about this kid was wrong, and of course he would revolve around me like he was trying to give a reach around to a ballerina.

"Hey buddy, how's it go-"

"Don't look at me, don't even talk to me."I refused to even glance in his direction. As always, he just brushes it off and continues on with a gross snort. "Haha, Boxer you're so funny. So I was watching the new War of Stars..."

This would be the part where I tune him out, if a certain blonde angel didn't come out of nowhere and kick him out of the way for me. Immediately everyone stopped and stared at her, wondering why in the hell she was talking to someone like me...

"The hell do you want?" I glanced in her direction, raising an eyebrow.

"Look limp dick, we obviously gotta improve your self image."She walked with me, kicking every outcast out of her way. "...And we can't do that unless you lose the dweebs."

"...But isn't your boyfriend the biggest loser in the school?"

"Not since I started dating him. Besides, he's got a keycock!"

"Oh oka-wait what?!...I don't think I heard you co-"

"A huuuge key shaped dick. Hits all the right places, and if I get tired of one angle, I just spin and try out a new one! It's fucking great!" Panty was fucking drooling everywhere now while I shuddered in disgust.

"You're a really bad role model, you know that?" I swiftly turned around and saw Stocking on my other side, glaring at Panty.

"Says the 'demon'..."Panty put her hands behind her head and Stocking started to get angry.

"...Bu...Wait I thought you guys were angels?!" I blinked at both of them, confused as all hell. "Why are you a de-"

"Can't talk about it." Stocking growled through gritted teeth.

"Why the fuck not?"

"Because the writers never fucking explained it."

Wait, writers? "...WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!"

"Don't worry about it, they're assholes." Panty spoke nonchalantly. Her lack of caring did not help.

"WHATEVER!" I shouted, clearly annoyed. "Just...just let me get to class."

"Don't you go to that greasy pimply sausage party in the basement?" Panty raised her eyebrow at me. I sighed in reply. "Of course you do. Kay, see ya nerd." And with that, both her and her sister kicked me forward and almost immediately the ground before me opened up because I'm in a normal high school and that's what happens in normal high schools. You get spartan kicked into an abyss that leads directly to a lester the molester sex dungeon to learn math. It wasn't until I hit the ground and bounced a few times that I realized my backpack was opened prior.

So several of my own things hit me in the head. Most of them landed in random shit piles along the hallway, as usual. I sighed and gathered my shit. The metaphorical shit. Not the actual shit. My school stuff okay? Jesus dude, keep up. Unfortunately as I was picking everything up, I noticed I was missing a notebook. Not just any notebook, it was the one with my hate list in it. You know, the one with your name in it. But it's fine, fuck it. I can make another one pretty fast, what mattered was getting to class. After all, I sure can't wait to get answers to all the questions I never asked about a subject I couldn't give a shit about.

* * *

Those evil angels, trying to keep me from my best buddy! Oh I'll get them!

Tch, who even needs those silly girls anyway? They can't even appreciate how nice of a guy I am. All any of them ever do is show off their bodies and twat on their dang cellular devices! I'll never understand these social media sites like Twatter and Facespace. At least then I can actually look at their faces, usually they just avoid me.

They always avoided me...treated me like dirt. Just because I like different things doesn't mean I should be treated like trash! So what if I look different? At least I'm intelligent, unlike all those jocks who get sweaty with men for scholarships! Brain beats brawn any day. But alas, they can't understand that...One day I'll meet someone who likes me for who I really am. Maybe even...no, no that'd be crazy...

I-I gotta get to class, I can't sit around fantasizing about hi-HER! H-Her...

A-anyway I was trotting down the hallway, hoping maybe I could see Boxer when I saw those two angels kick him right into the entrance! Those promiscuous floozies hurt my friend and didn't even care!

I watched as they walked away, fuming. I had to get back at them, I can't just let everyone get treated like dirt anymore! But that train of thought had to wait, because as I jumped into the abyss and landed in some stray fecal matter, I noticed there was something on the ground. Curiously, I walked up and grabbed it. Just a small notebook, it looked personal though. Curiously I opened it. Now it was a little dirty but I could see there was some kind of list. Strangely enough I saw my name on it! But the title of said list looked like it was covered in feces so I tried my best to wipe it away. That's when I saw it.

It wasn't just a title, it had a name next to. I could read, as clear as day "H-t- l-st -y B-xer R-kf-rd"

It's clear what this scripture was. A list of everyone Boxer thinks is...is...

HOT!

My dreams...THEY'RE COMING TRUE!

* * *

I had filled up my new Hate book pretty quickly. You may be wondering how I got another notebook so easily.

I took it from some other loser. Cool thing about being surrounded by passive autists is that they're real easy to steal shit from. Just give em a few empty promises in exchange for said thing and take it. Shit, I should be president.

Still, today wasn't too bad. No angels in sight, so I immediately went into sneaking mode. I immediately flipped up my hoodie and looked at the ground, trying to blend in with the crowd. Which is kinda hard to do when everyone around me dresses like a prep. Also when fucking Arnold comes up behind me and puts his arm around my shoulder like we're friends or something.

"H-hey buddy!" It was strange, he seemed more stuttery than usual. And he looked really red in the face too. Then I looked down at his arm and immediately I said "Ah shit."

He was holding my notebook. The one I dropped. The one that explicitly called him a huge piece of shit. Even had an entire chapter written about how much I hated him. Hm, looks like I'm going to be the reason this school turns into a columbine. I immediately clenched my fists, ready to beat the shit out of him if he tried anything.

He then pushed me against the wall, dropping the notebook and putting both his hands on my shoulders now. "I-I re-read your li-little notes about m-m-m-me..."  
He leaned his face in close to mine and whispered, "I just...I just want you to know I feel the same way!"

This...this didn't sound like anger. But he wasn't very social either...still, people were staring, and it was starting to look like a cheesy love scene. "Look dude, it's just a mis-"That's when he rushed in and smashed his face against mine. My initial thought was that it was a shitty headbutt, but I didn't realize what it really was until I heard Panty in the background say "...Is he trying to kiss Boxer?"

Immediate shove.  
Arnold reached the ground in seconds.  
I reached for my face even faster just to wipe off the grease.

Oh, and of course, "Dude, what the FUCK are you doing?!"

"I-I-I read your list!" Arnie stuttered out, completely confused. "Your hot list! My name was on there!"

"It wasn't a hot list you idiot!" I steamed. "It was a HATE LIST!"

Immediate crowd gasp. That's when I realized the entire hallway was full of people watching this drama show unfold.

Arnold slowly stood up, his eyes filled with tears and his fists clenched with anger. "Y-you're lying..." He whimpered out. Then suddenly he gained a spark of confidence with his anger and shouted out "YOU'RE LYING!"

The hallway was silent now, and I could see Panty and Stocking staring at me, smirking. I knew what they were thinking, it was all over their faces. This was my chance.

Meanwhile Arnold rushed me, pushing me against the wall again. "You're just like everyone else! I know you have feelings for me, you wrote it down! But you can't be with me in public huh?!"

I sighed, this was actually the opposite of what I wanted to happen today. I just wanted a quiet day and then this shit. Time to shut this shit down, "Dude I'm straight."

"I know you-what?"Arnold was completely taken aback. "...But you look-"

"Don't finish that you fucker!"I growled, glaring at the giggling crowd. "Look, fuck off and go home dude. You can even keep the notebook, it's covered in shit anyway."

"N-no...NO!" Arnold must have thought was the Hulk or something because he charged my, slamming me against the wall again. "I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! YOU LOVE ME LIKE I LOVE YOU! I CAN SH-"

I'm not dealing with this anymore. I made a fist and showed this asshole my Sandy Hook. He hit the ground and I walked away, the crowd going apeshit behind me.

I could hear them as I left the school.

"DUDE DID YOU SEE THAT?!"

"Living up to his name, he layed him right out!"

"YOOOO I didn't think Boxer was actually fucking cool!"

Thinking back on it now, I didn't really feel cool.

* * *

 _Several hours later_

I messed up. I messed up my only chance to be with him. I, Arnold Hopkins, was now the biggest loser at our high school. I sat there in the Macy's parking lot, my Disturbed Albums had run dry and all the glass bottles around me were shattered.

Just like my heart. But I still knew, deep down inside, he felt the same way. But I didn't know how to make him feel it...I feel so lost.

I'm forever wandering an endless maze, searching for his love, with my passion being the only burning light! I can hear him crying out to me, but every time I get close he pushes me away...

"Maybe..." My ears perked and I turned towards the direction of this new, female voice. "Maybe you could force him to acknowledge your love."

This strange woman was weird, her skin was red and she had horns, but she sounded sophisticated. She sounded sorry, and that was comforting to me in these times. "H-How?"

She smiled at me warmly, and placed her hand on my head. "Don't worry, I'm going to give you a helping hand..."

I was suddenly engulfed in flames, but they were painless. I could feel power coursing through me, and...something else...

Something...

...It didn't matter. He was going to be mine. Whether he liked it or not.


End file.
